In the Shadow of His Wings
PARDON THE INTERRUPTION while we are preparing to make an exciting announcement – but this is a new blog release! Thanks for reading and sharing!
This computer of mine that I use to write to you had a thin layer of dust on it when I picked it up a few moments ago! What does this tell me? It’s been too long since I’ve connected with you and for this, I am sorry, but you have not been forgotten! Soon I will let you in on a project I’ve been working on these last few months which I pray will be helpful to you!
I have missed the honesty we share. I’ve missed the peace that comes over my mind when I sit and place my fingers on the keys and carefully put together words of hope to speak into our lives.
I have missed you, sweet friend. There has been a lot of “life” going on around here and my primary goal has been to keep up! I don’t want to bog you down with the details of what my schedule has entailed. You are busy too! But I do want to share what God has put on my heart because of how life translates in my heart, and my head, especially when my guard is down.
It’s been even more complicated lately. My mind, that is.
There are big changes going on at the Goetzinger house! They are healthy changes, and these changes show signs of growth, but somewhere along the time that our youngest daughter graduated from high school this past May, my mind went into “fight to not show too much sadness”-mode and I’ve had a lump in my throat. Our oldest daughter, Shelbee, is a senior at Dallas Baptist University this fall, and Rylee, our youngest daughter, joined her as a freshman in August. I am so excited to have them together again. They are a fierce duo once again!
This life has been nothing less than a privilege when parenting with Doug and raising our daughters. They are constant reminders of God’s grace. They have had to step up in so many ways and my heart breaks over this. But when I ask God to help me see things as He does so that I don’t well up with guilt, I can really see who they are. I see scars from this road which are being used to help them do more than merely get through life. I see compassion, and mercy and hope and life. I see joy and determination and two precious, thriving redheads who love the Lord.
In the midst of these observations and thoughts of how things are changing, my mind has been working overtime, and depression, with glimpses of guilt, is trying to crash open the door to my sentimental mind. My guard has been down and I didn’t even realize it.
There I sat hunched over with my head down at the kitchen table. It was all I could do to stay in the chair. The plate my hair nearly met was empty, with the exception of a few bite-sized portions. Our little redheads were running around getting their plates full of yummy food - yummy to them. Snaggletooth smiles and hair bows and glittery shirts had stopped long enough to wait for prayer time, and I could barely look up to make eye contact. After I had sat there as long as I was physically able, I would slink back to the couch and go to sleep. I was too sick.
Unfortunately, insurance can still be a major hurdle for getting help and treatment for an eating disorder, failing often to fully see eating disorders as mental illnesses, and back then insurance was not covering the therapy and medical help I was needing. Treatment is outrageously expensive when you are broke!
This scene, this memory, this crisis, is what has been showing on the big screen of my mind pretty much non-stop, and I just cannot take it anymore. I’ve tried to watch it as if I’m not the woman in the saggy sweats kissing her kids before going back to lie down. I’ve awoken in the middle of the night soaking wet to this featured nightmare. I’ve felt guilty. Unfortunately, this is not the only frame to this movie of memories that I’ve been seeing.
Naturally, time has passed since these scenes originally played out. And now, I sit across from two beautiful young ladies. Two gifts who share the same smile and blue eyes and bear a strong resemblance to me. I can’t help but rejoice. But it’s as if my mind is split down the middle like the hair on the head of a 60’s kid. There is sheer joy mixed with a simultaneous “screaming” behind my eyes that only the Creator can help me defuse. At these times, I FINALLY realize it’s time to surrender. Surrender? Yes…give me a second to explain.
I absolutely can’t take my mind and my illness, again today, telling me that I was a lousy mom to the girls I desired my entire life. I can’t take hearing my mind’s voice saying again, “at least when I was that sick, I was skinny so give being that ill another ‘go’” … Relinquishing control takes strength and there is a beautiful surrender that comes in on a cloud of mercy from God as He helps me see and fight what is no longer acceptable in my heart…in my mind…in my life…in my home…in His presence. I have a habit of letting the enemy and anorexia and depression hurt me pretty bad before I call for help!
In this moment, I must stand in the shadows of His wings! His words protect us and it’s amazing… “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:38-39). This is what I call putting up a fight!
I’ve been hurting and trying to keep my emotions inside! Trying to just swallow hard enough so that maybe these feelings would stay down. But they just grew and started to show up in my thoughts even as I slept.
Of all the things in my life, getting to be married to Doug and be the momma to my girls, are my favorite. Things are changing, though, and I’m needing to be strong where I was being complacent. I haven’t been fighting here in the middle of these changes. Here’s the catch… I’ve believed the anorexic pictures in my head were true, so I haven’t felt that I deserve to fight. But God gave us His words so that we can battle! It’s never too late to fight, my friend. The wars we must fight are not over until God says they are.
I don’t know about you, but I can’t live under constant attack. That’s a good thing! I can feel beaten-up, even though God is putting me back together from my allowing the enemy to take me apart mentally and emotionally over these last few months. I need to stay extra close to Him and read truths like ”Nothing can separate me from Your love, Jesus.” I’ve been pushed around and trying to swallow as to not make a scene, but now? Now? I’ve got to “put my dukes up” and maybe you need to also.
Where have your heart and mind been since we were last together? Have you been letting things from your past hurt you? Jesus knew we’d mess up friends, thus the cross. His sacrifice, the precious gift of Himself, and His Word to us free us from bondage of our thoughts, our mistakes, and our sin. The enemy can’t stand against His Word.
So, memorize this with me… “all of us like sheep have gone astray, all of us have gone our own way, but he has laid upon him the iniquities of us all” (Isaiah 53:6).
All day, when these hurtful memories start to come into my mind and grab my heart, attempting to make me feel like I’ve failed as a mom, I must fight! Promise me you’ll do the same! I can’t bear the thought of thinking you’ve had a similar experience as I the last few months!
Thank you for your understanding as I haven’t written in a while! In just a few weeks I will be making a very special announcement to you, so please be looking for what’s to come!!!
Love to you-
Stacee